Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’ve noticed y’all really enjoy my “What do guys do when they ‘hang out’?” post so I decided to do another one of those dynamical posts. If y’all have anything else y’all wonder feel free to post a comment and I’ll (probably) do it for you. Please don’t get offended when I group all girls into one group. I realize not all girls are like this and I don’t mean this post to offend anyone.
Usually when girls fight they bicker and talk about each other and it’s really obvious that they’re in a fight or at least not very happy with each other. Guys, particularly close ones, behave differently. I’m not sure why we act differently, don’t know why we’re socialized the way we are but when we’re upset we don’t fight, talk about each other, or make it obvious in any way. You may be thinking ‘wow! that’s great..’ but if you know what I’m talking about you know it’s much worse.
One way it can be worse is you never know what they’re thinking. When girls get over their fight (whenever that happens) it’s obvious. They stop sticking their noses up at each other and just get along. Sure, the relationship might not be perfect but it’s do-able and progress is underway. When guys fight, however, it’s hard to tell if one of them is over it or if they’re still upset. This can be frustrating and confusing, as you can imagine.
Another reason it’s worse is, one way we as humans overcome things is by talking it out with people. Girls are good at this because they often have a handful of people that they can text, call, message, etc and it would be normal. Guys work differently and I think people assume that guys either don’t fight/get upset or that they just shouldn’t. This can be hard because without this outlet, we have to keep it in and overcome it single handily.
Guys do a really good job just going with the flow and acting normal but this can be really confusing, even though we’re told not to really think that personal. I guess in the end we should be glad that we’re socialized differently, what a boring world this would be if we weren’t?
I believe everybody, particularly if you’ve been closely involved in a youth or other church group, has that person or two they look up to and aspire to learn from. Tell me if it’s just me but I think our brains are programmed towards this ‘Love at First Sight’ ordeal. Do you believe in love at first sight? I personally don’t but I do think when we see the right friend or significant other it clicks. You don’t fall in love or become best friends with someone overnight, but we have our sight set and begin drawing ourselves in, opening the door.
Like any other relationship, friendships take trust and humiliation. When the buzzer goes off we just know that it’s the right person. We then spend so much time wondering if they also want to be friends with us and we stress over whether of not we should open up to them.
I typically sit around and wait for them to open up to me, being ignorant to the fact that that’s not the way it works. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to be the first one to throw yourself out there. Some people may be scared of commitments and this can make it difficult to open up and share with one another because it’s such a strong two way road. Although not always successful, you can be sure to grow yourself as well as possibly with someone else in the long run.
On the other side of things I’ve also realized that just as we keep our eyes on others, it works the same way back at us. I’ve learned to always keep my eyes open as there may be others out there willing to open up to me and confide with. Accountability is such a strong force it can not be matched. Basically what I’m trying to say is keep your eyes open, open up to others, and be willing to be used in turn for others.
You’ve been trying to help your friend out of a pit that they have been stuck in but they’ve become resistant. They can’t see the trouble they’ve gotten themselves and others into and don’t know what’s best for them. You either have to make it clear that you don’t agree with their decisions, and possibly loose them, or back off and let them learn by themselves. What do you do? This is how I learned that if you love something, you really do have to let it go.
Step back a couple months and I’ve got the perfect little life. I have a job, car, better friends than I could ask for, and a bright positive future that’s about to be altered more than I had maybe imagined. The thought of college was beautiful but I didn’t realize all the things that would happen leading up to the move. I love college, don’t get me wrong, but the series of events was quite… unfortunate.
I had lost friends throughout my path of eighteen years but had yet to loose someone that was once so close to me. Our friendship didn’t last over half a year but it’s crazy how much you can learn about and grow with somebody. When faced with the decision to either help or let be, I chose to help – or so I thought.
It’s crazy how different looking from the outside in things can be. I could see the problem, it needed to be fixed, and I tried to help only to be chewed up and spit out. One might say you should mind your own business but is this how we should behave toward friends? Should we watch them fall regardless of what they tripped on or should we stand up and carry them through it.
Long story short, and also painful, I’ve learned that above all it’s important to do what is right. It’s important to stand up to your friends and tell them what you really want to say. You shouldn’t hold back, or let loose as that just leaves room for wrong. I’ve seen friendships fall apart and relationships crumble. Standing beside the pile of ashes I see the bigger picture. There’s no resurrection here, no gluing the picture back together, but there is love; love with no bounds nor mercy. If you truly love something, you’d rather let it go than stand and watch.
Have you ever been good friends with someone and as time passes you seem to drift apart or it feels as though they are pulling away? Most friendships aren’t meant to last forever but it can still be frustrating when you can see the end closer than you had once hoped. When faced with this dilemma, I find myself contemplating whether they have purposefully abandoned me, or if it was a sheer accident. For a long time I almost wanted them to have simply forgotten about me in the rush of life and all it’s complexities, rather than purposefully ditching me. I have now realized that I should look at it in exactly the opposite light.
People like to feel wanted, and obviously don’t like being left out or purposefully abandoned, but after you actually step back and look at the two paths, you can see what I finally saw. When one is purposefully avoided, abandoned, and ditched, it takes a good deal of work from the x-friend. They now have to replace you with someone else, and start from square one in a fresh relationship. On the other hand when someone forgets about you and you feel as though drifting is happening between you, they have already made countless unconcsious decisions that they no longer need you, and they probably already have other people in their life that have completely replaced you (hence why they forgot about you). They haven’t taken the time to realize how much they mean to you, and are just fixated on the fact that they no longer need you – you’re like an old Tupperware container thrown in the garbage after adequate use. These types of people hop from friend to friend looking for a thrill and something new. Not a very good investment of your time and energy.
Now what do you think: Would you rather be ditched, or forgotten?
Hanging out with a girl that you’re not in a relationship with can be complicated, and sometimes even awkward. When one of you are in a relationship it can even come off as fishy to a third party, especially when the girl’s boyfriend happens to be your best friend. There are many things that I think are important in a friendship, one of the major ones being trust. Now, if we switched viewpoints and I was the girl’s boyfriend and he was hanging out with her, I guess I can’t blame him for this, but friends, not to mention best friends, should be able trust each other with and for anything. This got me thinking enough to make me write this post.
I can see why I wouldn’t want my girlfriend hanging out with a friend of mine, and I think the main reasons for that are simply because I don’t know what they’re talking about (likely about me) and perhaps I’d be a bit envious because I’m not there to hang out with her instead. What should you do when you’re friends with someone, and don’t want to hurt another friendship, but don’t want to abandon this one either? Whose right, and whose wrong? I began to see flaws in both of our views and no real way to fix the problem. After a long period of reflecting on both points of view I came to a conclusion.
I decided that neither of us were right, and pin-pointed the grey area. I could see that he was amiss for not wanting us to hang out, because he clearly wasn’t trusting at least one of us and didn’t respect the fact that we’re friends regardless of their relationship. I could also see that if I’d continued what I was doing, hanging out with her, then I’m just pushing his boundaries and tearing our relationship apart rather than building it up since I now know how he feels about everything. I haven’t found a good compromise for this and I’m not sure if that would suffice either. The word compromise is to basically find a settlement where both parties feel ‘discomfort’ and really leaves no one overly happy.
Since I value trust more than anything I guess you could say I plan on continuing going about things how I always have and see where the path takes me. Perhaps, but hopefully not, I’ll end up at a rough patch; but in the end I’ll simply come out stronger than before. If you have any suggestions or comments feel free to leave them below – thanks!
Today I was browsing random sites (as always) and stumbled upon a post by Rean John Uehara, a writer for the ‘1stwebdesigner’ blog. The post was titled ‘Three Types of Friends Everybody Should Have: Mentor, Peer, and Protegé’ and as I read through it, something hit me. He put it in the perspective of the job/career force but I think it can easily be taken out of that context and into a more general sense. He says everybody needs a mentor to help guide and instruct them, a peer whom is considered their equal, and a protegé to teach and lead. As I read each and every ‘character’ described in his post, they were invariably resembling one friend. I can honestly say he fits into all three ‘types’ and fulfills all of the supposed needs listed:
I’m laying on my bed before work, exhausted already from school. As I look out the window I think about everything I’ve been through: all the changes that have happened in my life and the struggles I’ve faced. I’ve known where I’m moving all year and I’ve known when, up to the day, but I haven’t sat down and thought about how all of this will affect me. My friend’s aren’t moving, my family isn’t moving, and my house definitely isn’t moving; I’m the one leaving them. Over the past 18 years of my life I’ve grown strong relationships with a hand full of friends and it’s hard to just get up and leave them; abandoning them for the world to consume. Half of me wants to just end the relationships and move no-strings-attached, but the other half wants to keep in touch and grow closer through this. I’ve lived comfortably in my house for the past 16 years and I can’t even begin to imagine how much will just change instantaneously come August.